Orders Of Love

Jul 14, 2019 · 1 min read

Bert Hellinger has discovered 3 ‘orders of love’ which bring peace to the family system. When these orders are respected the system is in harmony. The first order is the ‘Right to Belong’ — which means everyone has a right to belong to the system. Starting from our children, we and our siblings, our parents and their siblings, our grand parents and great grand parents and anyone in previous generations who had a special fate — all belong to the system. Even people who died do not lose their belonging to the system. Abortions, miscarriages, early death, infant deaths, someone who went to war and never returned, an uncle who was put in the mental asylum, an aunt who was given up for adoption, any previous significant partners, children from previous partners, illegitimate children — belong to the system. If someone is excluded, someone else in the following generations will take on that energy of the excluded person and may start feeling excluded or not belonged. Till the excluded person is not given his rightful place in the system, the system will remain in disharmony.

The Orders of love

The next is the Balance of Giving and receiving

When something hurtful or injurious has been done to me, I have the urge to do something in return — the desire for revenge. If its successful, the balance is restored. When someone does me an injustice and i simply forgive the person, then i remain in a superior position and the other cannot restore our equality without doing something even worse to me. This need for balance in a negative sense is forbidden or looked down upon. This keeps the relationship out of balance. When the injured party injures in return, or makes a demand, it restores balance back into the relationship. If the relationship is to continue, however, the return injury or demand must be more merciful than the original injury. In love, I give a bit more than i have received, and when injured, I return a bit less.

When we bring back order into the family — which means that when people are given their correct position in the family as per hierarchy — order is restored and the system comes into peace. Those who came first have priority over those who came later. Grand parents, parents and then children. Among the siblings those who came first have priority over those who came later. When couples have abortions, if a child dies in infancy, this affects the order of the living siblings. The first living sibling should not be considered the oldest but rather given the correct position considering any abortions, miscarriages or early deaths before him. When a child who is born after a couple of abortions, is treated as the eldest he is unable to live his own life as he has been given the position of the first born even though he is 3rd in line. Its likely this child feels he is ‘not in his place’ and is unable to handle the responsibilities of a first born. When the aborted siblings are given their place the living one can take his own place as the third born and feels a sense of unburdening and relief.

Ritu Kabra

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